Maybe I am stuck in 2002, but writing a blog post is a form of therapy for me. I also love that you can write a blog post in the bath or in sweats eating a gluten-free cheesecake. I’ve been dealing a lot with sorting out my mental health issues, reevaluating my friendships and the real struggle of being a creative. As I faced these challenges I was able to learn and grow a lot so here are some of my findings.
Break the Chain Now
My mental health was affecting me, so much it was to the point where it became too overwhelming to process. I had been spending my nights dancing to Lady Gaga 2011 hits until 4am and sleeping in until 3pm. I felt like I could sleep forever because I didn’t have that “real” job and honestly felt that if the public didn’t hear my Housewives recap on my podcast, they wouldn’t die. Why would I think this? How could I? I have a loving family and a partner (who is basically god himself) who spoils the fuck out of me. I should be winning at life but I felt like a hollow shell of a man. It wasn’t until it started effecting my relationships and friendships, that I realized I needed to address my mental health, because if not me- who? I started to feel guilt and shame when I heard my partner and parents discuss how tired they are, these are the hardest working people I know, and I’m the one staying in bed all day and re-watching Scary Island episodes of the Real Housewives of New York. David started getting frustrated (rightfully so) saying “get up and do something” but my depression tied my down to my bed making it impossible to peel myself out of bed. I was in such a weird funk, I worked a couple of gigs and made some coin to preoccupy my mind. When David and I got engaged he said “baby just make a dollar a day” and I made enough dollars to get me through the next four years, isn’t that seriously fucked? Ugh anyways, I made a lot of tough changes in my life, I stopped drinking and pretending I am Lindsey Lohan spending a Mean Girls check I do not have.
With everything going on in the world, I know for fact that it sure as hell wasn’t helping me with my depression. Something finally switched in my brain. I was thinking about who is going to continue to fight for equal rights and help the world get out of this ugly place it’s in and I realize that maybe that person is me. Listen, everyone relax, I know I am not the end all, be all. I know I’m not the next equality Messiah or like gay Ghandi but I realized I was spending my time and energy on the wrong things. This world needs people to be better and we need to be a little more kind to each other. We can’t be scared to stand up to a simple-minded sexist bigots beyond a keyboard on a social media app. Ok, this is a rant and I’m not trying to be a dick but seriously your tweets and sharing an article on Facebook and then arguing with an old college friend in the comment section doesn’t change anything. You need to get into your city council meetings and get informed on legislation before The Handmaid’s Tale becomes a reality. Make a cute date out of it with your friends, get up in a political gig and go with your friends and learn, listen and ask so you can actively help make this world a better place. Like our twenties are fading and we’re the real adults now.
Anyways, back to me. So now I wake up at 5:30am (I seriously use to go to bed at 5:30am so like serious changes happening) and I hit a 6:30am hot yoga class. I then meditate and journal for 5 minutes and set my intention for the day. I have to give a shout out to David who has matched his new life, he sits next to me and meditates. Never in a million years would I think this would be happening, but it is and it feels great. So I understand this is coming across kind of preachy but even if you do 1 out of the 5 things I listed, your life will start to change.
- Get on a schedule (takes 21 days to form a habit)
- Mediate (even for 5 minutes a day)
- Journal for 5 minutes
- Set a daily intention/affirmation
- Find a workout for you
I was fed up with the vapid substance-less friendships with mean gays in Toronto who are always ready to come over empty handed for free drinks but can’t even give you a comment on an Instagram post promoting your next business venture or hell even drop a text to see how you are. I made some calculations and I was spending over $5,000 a month on “friends” who frankly didn’t care about me and just wanted a ring light selfie in a luxury high-rise apartment. We’ve had gutter trash brought to our condo by “friends”, we’ve had cameras stolen, sunglasses stolen, someone even stole my fresh pair of Chelsea boots. Having something stolen from your home by strangers who were “friends” of “friends” is one of the most violating things.. THE NERVE. Something had to change. While I was sleeping and prioritizing the wrong people I was seriously neglecting for my real friends, I mean the friends who have actually been there for me through some shit. In my depressed, binge drinking fog I didn’t realize two of my good girlfriends were going through a divorce and another friend was going through something similar situation. I was ignoring their phone calls and flaking on plans because well I wanted to sleep and took those friendships for granted in the sense that I figured they’d always be there for me. Friendships require effort, listen I am not saying you need to talk everyday but you need to consistently let your friends know you are there for them or they’re loved because life is fucking hard in your twenties and I frankly needed to get my shit together cause the 30’s are coming.
Do you guys know how much HOURS of footage I have of me staring into a camera trying to be a YouTuber, full blown sitting in front of a ring light saying “Welcome to my Channel”. The videos might have been terrible, well maybe some I thought were really funny but there was something that crept inside my head like a 3rd grade lice infection and prevented me from posting them. Is it crazy that I was worried about people screenshotting my videos and sending them in a group chat? Insecurities and giving a fuck about what other people think me from posting things that I put a lot of time into. I sit here with regret sometimes like I have all these bomb videos that could be all over the YouTube, now they’re just sitting on a flash drive in an unorganized drawer. My advice is if you have a creative project or idea you’re putting work into just put it out to the world and here’s why. Regardless of followers, views and likes you learn something about yourself and all it takes it that one person to say something (positive or negative) and use that as information to strengthen your craft. Frankly that’s how you ended up here. YouTube wasn’t for me but I felt like I had a lot to say but by making these videos and putting some out there I realized how uncomfortable it made me feel and how comfortable writing feels for me. I have a minor in creative writing so basically you can call me Brownie Rowling or Brownie Bradshaw.
Maybe writing this and publicizing it on the inter-web will help fill the void I need for constant attention and validation. I love writing and I love sharing all these nuggets of inspiration and motivation. I am committing to writing/venting weekly so hold me accountable. Thank you for reading