Brownie Bradshaw is back, bitches! First off, I want to express a few words of gratitude to those who have reached out following my first two blog posts. I was originally doing this as a form of personal therapy, but getting DMs and calls really has been motivating and pushed me to make my blog a priority in 2019!
As you know, I have been trying to find the balance of managing my career, my relationship and my health (both mental and physical). A huge part of being able to manage everything was my call to sobriety, which has changed my life drastically. During the holidays, after four months of being sober, I felt strong. I felt confident. I felt capable of handling any obstacle put in my path. This strength was a new feeling that was… addicting. The problem with that “strength” is that it made me feel overconfident; it made me feel like I would able to manage alcohol again because I was feeling so damn good. I do not identify as an alcoholic, but I do struggle with anxiety and depression, and after casually drinking here and there for over the holidays there was a sudden shift. My new found strength and confidence had faded, and my anxiety and depression skyrocketed. Turns out binge drinking while working through mental health issues is one thing: Stupid. Alcohol is a depressant, and drinking in the moment might feel fine but it’s borrowed happiness. If you are struggling with anxiety and depression, binge drinking will only hurt you long term, facts. However, instead of beating myself up over this, I decided to start fresh again and build my confidence back up, one brick at a time. I refuse to be glued to the bed waking up at 2:00pm wasting my days. I refuse to take steps backwards because sure I fucked up but it was all information that makes me stronger and wiser in the long run.
I constantly compare my appearance to a forgotten cup of coffee: not fresh and hot but drinkable in a desperate need. You can ‘heat it up’ with a dope wardrobe and a personality but it’s not as great as a hot cup of freshly brewed coffee. And here’s the best part, I could be trying to impress someone who doesn’t even like coffee! It doesn’t help that I bombard my brain with images of other gays with perfect bodies that have been tuned nicely with the apps that decorate their iPhone home page. So, I shifted my mindset to health, I want to get my body right for “health reasons” because there really isn’t anything healthy about chasing a ripped body for more followers and likes. I have to look inward, and that RuPaul saying “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell can you love someone else” is not a quote but a lifelong mantra. I have been using my 5 minute journaling time to really harp on the mindset of “I am enough”, and I plan ondancingto this new tune all throughout 2019.
During the holidays I was in the Philippines, laying there fully naked while a woman checks in to see if the pressure of her hands is ok as she begins to unravel the knots down my back. Some of my knots were unbearable causing me to clinch my whole body, making her job harder and my pain worst. We eventually got into a groove where I take a deep breath, lean into the pressure as she rolls out the knots. The liberation of the knots was a beautiful release, ad it got me thinking about the most problem that is the common thread through my life: I love running… away from things; it’s easier. There’s a comfort in avoiding an uncomfortable situation entirely. Whenever there’s a problem, an argument with a friend or an business obstacle my whole body fills with adrenaline – fight, flight or freeze – and I run as far away from the problem as a I can. This reaction has not served me well and ends up brewing a shit storm ten times worse then the initial problem. Walking into 2019 I am going to run into my problems head on. Much like the knots, if you take a deep breath and lean into them, the unravelling release is worth the pain. So, now I am running straight into my 2019 problems. When someone texts me and I immediately get in my head, I just respond right away, without over thinking it. If I make plans with someone and want to flake, I don’t make up an excuse, I remember why I made those plans in the first place and show up. Showing up is half the battle of many obstacles.
During the holidays, I was laying there fully naked while a woman from the Philippines checks in to see if the pressure of her hands is ok as she begins to unravel the knots down my back. Some of my knots were unbearable causing me to clinch my whole body, making her job harder and my pain worst. We eventually got into a groove where I take a deep breath, lean into the pressure as she rolls out the knots. The release of the knots was a beautiful release. It got me thinking about the running problem I have in life. I love running. Running away from things, it’s easier. There’s a comfort in avoiding an uncomfortable situation entirely, dodging a bullet per say. Whenever there’s a problem, an argument with a friend or an business obstacle my whole body fills with adrenaline and I run as far away from the problem as a I can. This serves me no reward and ends up brewing a shit storm 10Xs worst the existing problem. Walking into 2019 I am going to run into my problems head on. Much like the knots, if you take a deep breath and lean into them the unravelling release is worth the pain. Now I am running hard straight into my problems in 2019. When someone texts me and I get in my head before I respond, I just respond right away. If I make plans with someone and want to flake, I don’t make up an excuse, I remember why I made those plans in the first place and show up. Showing up is half the battle of many obstacles.
As you can read I have a lot swirling around in my head and it sometimes hard to channel all those thoughts into productive actions. I decided to channel all that energy into my 2019 vision board. I have friends that make fun of the concept of vision boards, however if you are a visual learner/visuals resonate with you, VISION BOARDS ARE FOR YOU! Here are the simple steps:
- Fine tune your goals. If you haven’t done your goal setting for 2019 here is a great tool.
- Gather magazine, newspaper and whatever visual media is laying around your house.
- Find images that resonate with your goals.
- Find impactful words. Some don’t believe in putting words in your vision board, just make sure whatever you put on your board is there for you and no one else.
- Compile all images into a collage. I do mine on multiple 8X11 pieces of paper. You could use a Bristol or poster board. (Write the date on the back of your board)
- Find a place to hang your vision board. Some place where you will constantly look. (Bathroom mirror, next to your bed, office). This way you can see what you’re chasing.
If you’re in a depressive state or just in a funk this is a great exercise to help get on the other side of it. The vision boards help you achieve your goals and making them a reality. It’s a constant reminder you can have the life you want. If you need help breaking down your board or just talking through it, shoot me a message. I’m happy to help.
Well, thank you again for reading. I will be back next week with a rant and hopefully a take away so we can conquer 2019 together. Sending so much love and positive vibes your way.